Why Do Guys Pretend to Want a Relationship

Many men say they want a relationship but act inconsistently, leaving women confused and hurt. This behavior often stems from fear, convenience, or emotional immaturity—not genuine commitment. Understanding these patterns helps you protect your heart and recognize real intentions.

Key Takeaways

• Fear of vulnerability: Some men avoid deep emotional connections because they’re scared of getting hurt or losing independence.
• Convenience over commitment: They enjoy the benefits of a relationship—companionship, sex, emotional support—without wanting the responsibilities.
• Emotional immaturity: Not all men are ready for long-term partnerships, even if they say they are.
• Social pressure: Cultural expectations or peer influence can push men to claim they want relationships when they’re not truly invested.
• Lack of self-awareness: Some genuinely believe they want a relationship but don’t recognize their own avoidance patterns.
• Testing the waters: A few use “relationship talk” to gauge your interest before deciding whether to commit.
• Red flags to watch: Inconsistent communication, avoiding future plans, and prioritizing physical intimacy over emotional depth are common warning signs.

Why Do Guys Pretend to Want a Relationship?

You’ve been talking to this guy for weeks. He texts you sweet things, calls you “baby,” and even talks about future dates. You start imagining a future together—maybe even meeting his parents someday. Then, out of nowhere, he pulls back. He stops initiating conversations, cancels plans last minute, or suddenly becomes “too busy.” When you ask what’s going on, he says, “I really like you,” or “I’m not ready for anything serious right now.” Sound familiar?

You’re not crazy. You’re not overreacting. And you’re definitely not alone.

So why do guys pretend to want a relationship? It’s a question that haunts countless women navigating modern dating. The truth is, many men say they’re looking for something serious—but their actions tell a completely different story. This disconnect isn’t always malicious. Sometimes, it’s confusion. Other times, it’s avoidance. But in all cases, it leaves emotional wreckage in its wake.

Understanding why this happens is the first step toward protecting your heart and making smarter choices in love. It’s not about blaming men or assuming the worst. It’s about recognizing patterns, setting boundaries, and refusing to settle for half-hearted affection. Because you deserve someone who doesn’t just *say* they want a relationship—but *shows* it through consistent, respectful, and loving behavior.

The Psychology Behind the Pretense

To understand why guys pretend to want a relationship, we need to dig into the psychology behind their behavior. It’s rarely as simple as “he’s just not that into you.” More often, it’s a mix of internal conflicts, societal pressures, and emotional blind spots.

Fear of Vulnerability

One of the biggest reasons men pretend to want a relationship is fear. Not fear of commitment per se, but fear of being emotionally exposed. Many men are socialized from a young age to suppress their feelings, avoid “drama,” and appear strong and in control. Opening up, admitting neediness, or showing emotional dependence can feel like weakness.

So when a guy starts to develop real feelings, his instinct might be to pull back—not because he doesn’t care, but because he’s terrified of what that care might cost him. He might say things like, “I really like you,” or “You’re amazing,” but when it comes time to define the relationship or meet your friends, he freezes.

This isn’t always conscious. He may genuinely believe he wants a relationship, but when the emotional stakes rise, his fear kicks in. He starts overthinking: *What if I get hurt? What if I lose my freedom? What if I’m not good enough?* Instead of working through those fears, he distances himself—often under the guise of “needing space” or “not being ready.”

Emotional Immaturity

Let’s be honest: not all men are emotionally ready for relationships, even in their 30s or 40s. Emotional maturity isn’t tied to age—it’s tied to self-awareness, accountability, and the ability to handle conflict with grace.

Some guys enter relationships (or pretend to) because they want the perks—someone to text, someone to sleep with, someone to make them feel loved—but they’re not equipped to handle the emotional labor that comes with it. They don’t know how to communicate their needs, resolve disagreements, or support a partner through tough times.

When things get hard—when you have a disagreement, when life gets stressful, when intimacy deepens—they retreat. They might ghost, become passive-aggressive, or suddenly “forget” to text back. They’re not trying to be cruel; they’re just emotionally unequipped. And instead of admitting that, they often blame external factors: “Work is crazy,” “My friends are needy,” “I’ve been so stressed.”

But here’s the thing: emotional maturity isn’t about having it all figured out. It’s about being willing to grow, apologize, and show up—even when it’s hard. If a guy can’t do that, he’s not ready for a real relationship, no matter how much he says he wants one.

Social and Cultural Pressures

We live in a world where men are still expected to “have it together.” They’re supposed to be providers, leaders, and emotionally strong. Admitting they’re confused, scared, or unsure about commitment can feel like failing at masculinity.

So when a guy is asked, “Are you looking for a relationship?” he might say “yes” not because he truly is, but because it’s the “right” answer. He doesn’t want to seem flaky, commitment-phobic, or uninterested. He wants to appear desirable, stable, and serious—even if he’s not.

This is especially common in group settings or on dating apps, where perception matters. A guy might tell you he’s “looking for something real” because that’s what women want to hear. But when it comes time to act on it—introducing you to his family, planning a vacation, saying “I love you”—he hesitates.

It’s not that he’s lying. It’s that he’s performing. He’s giving you the version of himself he thinks you want, not the one he actually is. And when the performance becomes too exhausting, he drops the act.

Convenience Over Commitment: The “Situationship” Trap

One of the most common reasons guys pretend to want a relationship is because they’re enjoying the benefits without the responsibilities. This is what relationship experts call a “situationship”—a vague, undefined connection that feels like a relationship but lacks the structure, clarity, and commitment of one.

The Allure of Low-Effort Intimacy

Let’s face it: relationships take work. They require time, energy, emotional availability, and compromise. But for some men, the idea of a relationship sounds great—until they actually have to do the work.

So instead of committing, they settle for something easier: a situationship. They get to enjoy your company, your affection, your emotional support, and your physical intimacy—without having to define the relationship, meet your parents, or deal with your family drama.

They might text you every day, call you “babe,” and even say “I miss you”—but when you ask, “What are we?” they deflect. “I don’t like labels,” they say. “Let’s just see where this goes.” Or worse: “I’m not good at relationships, but I really like you.”

This isn’t about you. It’s about them. They’re not rejecting *you*—they’re rejecting the *idea* of commitment. They want the comfort of connection without the constraints of responsibility.

Using You as an Emotional Crutch

Some men pretend to want a relationship because they’re lonely, insecure, or going through a rough patch. They latch onto you for emotional support, validation, and companionship—but they have no intention of building a real partnership.

They might share deep secrets, cry on your shoulder, or tell you you’re “the only one who understands them.” But when you need support in return? Silence. When you’re going through a hard time? They’re “too busy” or “not good with emotions.”

This is emotional one-sidedness. They’re taking from you—your time, your energy, your heart—but not giving back in equal measure. And when they find someone else who makes them feel better, or when their life stabilizes, they move on—leaving you wondering what went wrong.

The “Backup Plan” Mentality

Another sneaky reason guys pretend to want a relationship is that they see you as a backup. They’re not fully invested, but they don’t want to lose you either—just in case their other options don’t work out.

They might be dating multiple people, talking to an ex, or waiting for someone “better” to come along. But instead of being honest, they keep you on the hook with just enough attention to make you stay.

They’ll text you sweet things, make vague future plans, and act like they care—but they never follow through. They’re not leading you on intentionally (at least not always), but they’re not being honest either. They’re keeping their options open while enjoying your presence.

This is especially common in the early stages of dating. A guy might say, “I’m not ready for anything serious,” but then act like you’re exclusive. He’ll introduce you as his “girlfriend” to friends, but refuse to define the relationship when you ask. It’s confusing, frustrating, and deeply unfair.

Red Flags: How to Spot a Guy Who’s Pretending

The good news? You don’t have to stay confused. There are clear signs that a guy is pretending to want a relationship. Learning to spot them early can save you months (or years) of heartache.

Inconsistent Communication

One of the biggest red flags is inconsistency. If a guy texts you constantly one week, then disappears the next, it’s a sign he’s not fully invested. Real commitment includes consistency—showing up, checking in, and making an effort, even when life gets busy.

Pay attention to patterns. Does he only reach out when he’s bored or lonely? Does he ignore your texts for days, then suddenly send a long message out of the blue? That’s not a relationship—that’s emotional whiplash.

Avoiding Future Plans

If a guy says he wants a relationship but refuses to make plans beyond the next few days, that’s a warning sign. Real partners talk about the future—vacations, holidays, meeting family, moving in together. If he shuts down every time you bring up the future, he’s not serious.

For example, you might say, “I’d love to go to that concert in three months,” and he responds with, “We’ll see,” or “I don’t like planning that far ahead.” That’s not flexibility—that’s avoidance.

Prioritizing Physical Intimacy Over Emotional Connection

A guy who’s pretending to want a relationship often focuses heavily on physical intimacy while avoiding emotional depth. He might be affectionate in private but distant in public. He’ll text you late at night for sex, but never call during the day to check in.

If your connection feels more physical than emotional, it’s a sign he’s not looking for a real partnership. He wants the benefits of intimacy without the vulnerability of emotional closeness.

Blaming External Factors

When things get tough, a committed partner takes responsibility. A guy who’s pretending will blame everything but himself. “Work is too stressful,” “My friends are dragging me down,” “I’ve been so busy.”

While life does get busy, a man who truly wants a relationship will make time. He’ll communicate, apologize, and find ways to stay connected. If he consistently uses excuses to avoid you, he’s not invested.

Lack of Accountability

Accountability is key in any healthy relationship. If a guy cancels plans, forgets important dates, or hurts your feelings—and then refuses to acknowledge it or make amends—he’s not ready for commitment.

A real partner says, “I’m sorry, I messed up. How can I fix this?” A pretender says, “You’re overreacting,” or “It’s not a big deal.”

How to Protect Yourself from Emotional Manipulation

Knowing why guys pretend to want a relationship is one thing. Protecting yourself from the emotional fallout is another. Here’s how to stay grounded and avoid getting hurt.

Set Clear Boundaries

Boundaries aren’t about controlling someone—they’re about protecting your peace. If a guy isn’t meeting your needs, it’s okay to say so.

For example:
– “I need someone who communicates regularly. If you’re not able to text back within 24 hours, I’ll assume you’re not interested.”
– “I’m looking for a committed relationship. If you’re not ready for that, I understand—but I can’t keep dating you casually.”

Be firm, kind, and consistent. If he respects your boundaries, great. If not, it’s a clear sign he’s not the right person for you.

Observe Actions, Not Words

Anyone can say “I want a relationship.” But actions reveal true intentions. Pay attention to what he *does*, not just what he *says*.

Does he make time for you? Introduce you to his friends? Support your goals? Show up when you’re sick? These are the behaviors of someone who’s truly invested.

If his words and actions don’t match, trust the actions. Words are easy. Consistency is hard.

Don’t Make Excuses for Him

It’s easy to rationalize bad behavior when you care about someone. “He’s just stressed,” “He’s been through a lot,” “He’s not good with emotions.”

But here’s the truth: if he cared about you, he’d try. He’d communicate, apologize, and make an effort—even if he’s not perfect.

Don’t let love blind you to red flags. You deserve someone who shows up, not someone you have to constantly justify.

Know Your Worth

At the end of the day, the most powerful protection is self-worth. When you know you deserve love, respect, and consistency, you won’t settle for less.

Ask yourself:
– Am I being treated the way I want to be treated?
– Do I feel valued and secure in this connection?
– Is this person adding to my life or taking from it?

If the answer is no, it’s time to walk away.

When to Walk Away—and How

Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is let go. If a guy is pretending to want a relationship, continuing to invest in him only prolongs your pain.

Recognize the Signs Early

The sooner you spot the pattern, the easier it is to leave. Don’t wait for him to “change” or “come around.” People show you who they are—believe them.

If he’s inconsistent, avoids commitment, or makes you feel insecure, it’s time to reevaluate.

Have the Conversation

If you’re unsure, have an honest talk. Say something like:
“I really like you, and I’m looking for something serious. I need to know if you’re on the same page. If not, I think it’s best we part ways.”

His response will tell you everything you need to know. If he hesitates, deflects, or gives vague answers, he’s not ready.

Cut Contact if Needed

If he continues to string you along, it’s okay to walk away—even if it hurts. Block him if necessary. Delete his number. Unfollow him on social media.

You don’t owe him access to your heart if he’s not willing to earn it.

Focus on Healing

After a situationship, it’s normal to feel confused, angry, or sad. Give yourself time to heal. Talk to friends, journal, or see a therapist.

Remember: his behavior says nothing about your worth. You are lovable, deserving, and worthy of real love.

Conclusion: You Deserve Real Love

So why do guys pretend to want a relationship? Because it’s easier than being honest. Because they’re scared, immature, or just not ready. Because they want the benefits without the work.

But here’s what they don’t understand: pretending doesn’t protect them—it hurts the people who care about them. And it wastes precious time that could be spent building something real.

You don’t need to settle for half-truths, mixed signals, or emotional games. You deserve someone who doesn’t just *say* they want a relationship—but *shows* it every single day.

Look for consistency. Look for accountability. Look for someone who respects your time, your heart, and your boundaries.

And when you find that person? Hold on tight. Because real love isn’t about pretending. It’s about showing up—again and again—with honesty, care, and commitment.

You’ve got this.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do guys say they want a relationship but act differently?

They may be afraid of vulnerability, emotionally immature, or simply enjoying the benefits of connection without the responsibilities. Their words often reflect what they think you want to hear, not their true intentions.

How can I tell if a guy is serious about a relationship?

Look for consistency in communication, willingness to make future plans, emotional availability, and accountability. Actions matter more than words—does he show up when it counts?

Is it my fault if a guy pretends to want a relationship?

No. His behavior reflects his own fears, immaturity, or lack of clarity—not your worth. You can’t control how someone else acts, but you can control how you respond.

Should I confront a guy who’s pretending to want a relationship?

Yes, but calmly and clearly. Express your needs and ask for honesty. If he can’t or won’t commit, it’s a sign he’s not the right person for you.

Can a guy who pretends to want a relationship change?

Possibly, but only if he’s self-aware, willing to grow, and takes responsibility for his actions. Don’t wait for change—focus on finding someone who’s already aligned with your values.

How do I stop attracting guys who pretend to want relationships?

Work on your self-worth, set clear boundaries early, and pay attention to red flags. The more you value yourself, the less likely you are to tolerate half-hearted love.