What Do Married Men Want from Affairs

Many married men seek affairs not for sex alone, but for emotional intimacy, validation, and escape from routine. Understanding these deeper needs can help couples address relationship gaps before they lead to betrayal.

Key Takeaways

• Emotional intimacy is often the main driver: Many married men crave deep conversations and emotional connection they feel missing at home.
• Affairs provide a sense of validation: Men may seek affairs to feel desired, appreciated, or youthful again.
• Routine and complacency erode excitement: The predictability of long-term marriage can lead to boredom, pushing men toward novelty.
• Affairs are rarely about leaving the marriage: Most men don’t want divorce—they want to preserve their marriage while fulfilling unmet needs elsewhere.
• Communication breakdowns play a key role: When spouses stop talking openly, emotional distance grows, creating fertile ground for affairs.
• Self-esteem and midlife crises influence behavior: Some men use affairs to cope with aging, career stress, or feelings of inadequacy.
• Prevention starts with awareness and effort: Couples who prioritize connection, appreciation, and novelty are less likely to face infidelity.

Introduction: The Hidden Truth Behind Married Men’s Affairs

When we think of affairs, the image that often comes to mind is one of passion, secrecy, and betrayal. But behind every affair is a complex web of emotions, unmet needs, and personal struggles. While society tends to paint married men who cheat as selfish or immoral, the reality is far more nuanced. Many men don’t enter affairs with the intention of destroying their marriage. Instead, they’re searching for something they feel is missing—something they can’t find at home.

Affairs don’t happen in a vacuum. They’re often the result of slow erosion in a relationship: dwindling conversations, fading appreciation, and the quiet comfort of routine that can feel more like stagnation. For many married men, an affair isn’t about rejecting their spouse—it’s about seeking validation, excitement, or emotional closeness they believe they’ve lost. Understanding what drives these choices doesn’t excuse them, but it can help us prevent them.

Why Do Married Men Have Affairs? The Emotional Roots

Affairs are rarely just about sex. In fact, research consistently shows that emotional intimacy is one of the strongest predictors of infidelity. A 2020 study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that men who reported low emotional connection with their spouses were significantly more likely to engage in extramarital relationships—even when physical satisfaction at home was high.

So what exactly are they looking for?

Emotional Intimacy: The Missing Link

One of the most common reasons married men seek affairs is emotional disconnection. Over time, couples often fall into patterns where they stop sharing their inner worlds. Conversations become transactional—about bills, kids, chores—rather than meaningful exchanges about dreams, fears, or feelings.

Imagine a man who feels unheard at work, unappreciated at home, and emotionally invisible in his marriage. He might meet someone—a coworker, an old friend, or someone he connects with online—who actually listens. That person asks about his day, remembers small details, and makes him feel seen. That emotional attention can feel like a lifeline.

It’s not that he doesn’t love his wife. It’s that he’s starving for connection, and someone else is offering it.

Validation and Self-Worth

Another powerful motivator is the need for validation. Men, like women, crave to feel desired, competent, and valued. But in long-term relationships, appreciation can fade. A husband might stop saying “thank you” for making dinner. A wife might stop complimenting his efforts at work. Over time, these small omissions add up.

An affair can feel like a reset button. The new partner is often enthusiastic, attentive, and full of praise. She laughs at his jokes, admires his opinions, and makes him feel like a king. For a man who’s been feeling invisible or taken for granted, that kind of attention can be intoxicating.

This isn’t about arrogance—it’s about human need. We all want to feel special. When that need isn’t met at home, some men look elsewhere.

Escape from Routine and Boredom

Let’s be honest: marriage can get boring. After years together, the spark that once lit up date nights can dim. Date nights become Netflix and sweatpants. Sex becomes predictable—or infrequent. The excitement of the early days fades into the comfort of routine.

For some men, an affair offers a break from that monotony. It’s not just about physical novelty; it’s about the thrill of secrecy, the rush of a new connection, and the sense of being alive again. The affair becomes a secret world where he feels young, adventurous, and desired.

It’s important to note that this doesn’t mean the man hates his marriage. He might love his wife deeply and still crave the excitement that comes with something new.

The Role of Communication in Preventing Affairs

One of the most effective ways to prevent affairs is through open, honest communication. When couples stop talking—really talking—about their feelings, needs, and desires, emotional distance grows. And that distance creates space for someone else to step in.

How Communication Breaks Down

Communication doesn’t just mean talking. It means listening, empathizing, and being vulnerable. But in many marriages, this kind of deep dialogue fades over time. Couples fall into roles—parent, provider, homemaker—and forget to connect as partners.

For example, a husband might feel stressed about work but doesn’t share it because he doesn’t want to burden his wife. A wife might feel lonely but doesn’t speak up because she fears sounding needy. These unspoken emotions build up, creating a wall between them.

When a man feels emotionally isolated, even a casual conversation with someone else can feel like a breath of fresh air. That person listens without judgment, offers support, and makes him feel understood. Before long, that emotional connection can deepen—and cross boundaries.

Rebuilding Communication: Practical Steps

The good news? Communication can be rebuilt. It takes effort, but it’s possible. Here are a few practical tips:

• Schedule regular check-ins: Set aside time each week to talk—without distractions. Ask questions like, “How are you really feeling?” or “What’s been on your mind lately?”
• Practice active listening: When your partner speaks, put your phone down, make eye contact, and reflect back what you hear. Say things like, “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed. Is that right?”
• Share vulnerably: Be honest about your own feelings. Say, “I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected lately. Can we talk about that?”
• Avoid blame: Focus on “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, say, “I feel lonely when we don’t talk much,” instead of, “You never talk to me.”

These small changes can make a big difference. When both partners feel heard and valued, the need to seek validation elsewhere diminishes.

The Myth of the “Perfect” Marriage

One reason affairs happen is because many people believe marriage should be effortless. We see romantic movies, read fairy tales, and expect constant happiness. But real marriage requires work—especially when it comes to emotional connection.

The Pressure to Be Perfect

Society often paints marriage as a destination—a place where love flows naturally and problems are rare. But that’s not reality. Every marriage has ups and downs. Every couple faces stress, boredom, and conflict.

When men feel like their marriage isn’t “perfect,” they might assume something is wrong with them—or with their relationship. Instead of working through it, they might look for an escape. An affair can feel like a way to experience the excitement and connection they believe they’re missing.

But here’s the truth: no relationship is perfect. What matters is how you handle the imperfections.

Embracing Imperfection

The healthiest marriages aren’t the ones without problems—they’re the ones where both partners are willing to show up, even when it’s hard. That means having tough conversations, apologizing when you’re wrong, and choosing connection over comfort.

It also means accepting that your partner won’t always meet your needs perfectly—and that’s okay. No one can. What matters is whether you’re both willing to try.

When couples embrace imperfection, they create space for growth. They learn to communicate, to forgive, and to keep choosing each other—even when it’s not easy.

The Impact of Midlife and Identity Crises

For many married men, affairs happen during midlife—a time of transition, reflection, and sometimes crisis. As men approach their 40s and 50s, they may start questioning their choices, their achievements, and their identity.

Midlife Reflections

Midlife can bring up big questions: “Did I make the right career choice?” “Am I living the life I wanted?” “Am I still attractive?” These questions can lead to restlessness—and sometimes, risky behavior.

An affair can feel like a way to reclaim youth, excitement, or a sense of possibility. It’s not about rejecting the past, but about feeling alive in the present.

For example, a 48-year-old man who’s been in the same job for 20 years might feel stuck. He starts spending more time with a younger colleague who’s ambitious, energetic, and full of new ideas. Their conversations spark something in him—something he hasn’t felt in years. That spark can easily turn into emotional intimacy—and then into an affair.

Identity and Self-Worth

Men’s sense of self-worth is often tied to their roles: provider, protector, successful professional. But when those roles are challenged—through job loss, aging, or feeling overlooked—their confidence can take a hit.

An affair can temporarily restore that confidence. The new partner sees him as desirable, interesting, and important. That validation can feel like a lifeline during a time of self-doubt.

But it’s a fragile fix. The affair doesn’t solve the underlying issues—it just masks them. And when the affair ends, the man is often left feeling even more lost.

Can Affairs Be Prevented? Yes—With Awareness and Effort

The truth is, affairs are not inevitable. While no marriage is immune to challenges, there are steps couples can take to reduce the risk.

Prioritize Emotional Connection

Make emotional intimacy a priority. This doesn’t mean you need to have deep conversations every night. But it does mean creating space for real connection.

Try this: once a week, have a “no distractions” date. Put the phones away, turn off the TV, and talk. Ask questions like:

• “What’s one thing you’ve been thinking about lately?”
• “What made you smile this week?”
• “Is there anything you’ve been wanting to share with me?”

These small moments build emotional closeness over time.

Keep Appreciation Alive

Gratitude is powerful. When we stop saying “thank you,” we start taking each other for granted.

Make it a habit to express appreciation daily. Say things like:

• “I really appreciated how you handled that situation with the kids today.”
• “Thank you for making dinner. It meant a lot.”
• “I love how you always listen to me, even when you’re tired.”

These small acknowledgments remind your partner that they’re seen and valued.

Reignite the Spark

Boredom is a silent killer of relationships. To keep things fresh, try new activities together.

• Take a dance class.
• Plan a weekend getaway—even if it’s just a nearby town.
• Try a new hobby, like cooking, hiking, or painting.
• Surprise each other with small gestures—a note, a favorite snack, a spontaneous hug.

Novelty brings excitement. And excitement brings connection.

Address Issues Early

Don’t wait for problems to grow. If you feel disconnected, say something. If you’re feeling unappreciated, speak up.

Early conversations are easier than crisis talks. And they show your partner that you care enough to work on the relationship.

What to Do If an Affair Has Happened

If you’re reading this because an affair has already occurred, know that healing is possible—but it takes time, honesty, and effort from both partners.

For the Betrayed Partner

It’s normal to feel anger, sadness, and confusion. Give yourself space to process. Talk to a therapist or trusted friend. Don’t make big decisions while you’re in shock.

Ask your partner to be fully transparent. Healing can’t happen without honesty.

For the Partner Who Cheated

Take responsibility. Don’t make excuses. Say, “I was wrong,” and mean it.

Be patient. Rebuilding trust takes time. Show up consistently—through actions, not just words.

For Both Partners

Consider couples therapy. A trained therapist can help you navigate the pain, rebuild communication, and decide whether to stay together.

Remember: an affair doesn’t have to mean the end. But it does mean the relationship will need to change.

Conclusion: Understanding Leads to Prevention

So, what do married men want from affairs? Not just sex. Not just escape. They want to feel seen, valued, and connected. They want to feel alive.

And the truth is, those needs can—and should—be met within marriage. Affairs are often a symptom of deeper issues: emotional distance, lack of appreciation, and unmet needs.

But understanding these motives doesn’t excuse the behavior. It helps us prevent it.

By prioritizing emotional intimacy, practicing gratitude, and keeping the spark alive, couples can build relationships that are strong, resilient, and deeply connected. Because when both partners feel loved and appreciated, there’s less reason to look elsewhere.

Marriage isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up—every day—and choosing each other, again and again.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do married men have affairs if they love their wives?

Many married men love their wives deeply but still feel emotionally disconnected or unappreciated. An affair may fulfill a need for validation or intimacy they feel is missing at home—without necessarily wanting to leave the marriage.

Is it usually about sex?

No. While physical attraction plays a role, emotional intimacy is often the primary driver. Men may seek deep conversations, attention, and a sense of being truly seen—things they feel they lack in their marriage.

Can a marriage survive an affair?

Yes, many marriages do survive—and even grow stronger—after an affair. It requires honesty, forgiveness, and a commitment to rebuilding trust. Couples therapy can be very helpful in this process.

How can I prevent my husband from having an affair?

Focus on emotional connection, open communication, and appreciation. Regularly check in with each other, express gratitude, and keep the relationship fresh with new experiences and quality time together.

Do affairs usually lead to divorce?

Not always. Many men who have affairs don’t want to end their marriage. They often see the affair as a way to meet unmet needs while preserving their family life. However, the impact on trust can be significant.

What should I do if I suspect my husband is having an affair?

Talk to him calmly and directly. Avoid accusations, but express your feelings and concerns. If needed, seek support from a therapist or counselor to navigate the situation with care and clarity.