Signs He Pretends to Love You

Love should feel real, not like a performance. If your partner’s words don’t match his actions, avoids deep conversations, or disappears when things get tough, he might be pretending to love you. This guide helps you recognize the red flags so you can make empowered choices about your relationship.

Key Takeaways

• Love is shown through consistent actions, not just words: If he says “I love you” but never follows through with effort, it may be a sign of pretense.
• Emotional unavailability is a major red flag: He avoids vulnerability, shuts down during serious talks, or never shares his true feelings.
• He prioritizes convenience over commitment: He’s only present when it’s easy or benefits him, but vanishes during hard times.
• Inconsistency breeds doubt: One day he’s affectionate, the next he’s cold—this emotional rollercoaster often signals insincerity.
• He avoids future planning: If he dodges conversations about the future or makes vague promises, he may not see a long-term role for you.
• Your intuition matters: If something feels “off” deep down, don’t ignore it—your gut is often right.
• Healthy love builds you up: Real love encourages growth, respect, and mutual support—not confusion or self-doubt.

Introduction: When Love Feels Like a Performance

Love is supposed to feel safe, steady, and uplifting. It’s the kind of connection that makes you feel seen, valued, and excited about the future. But what happens when the person you’re giving your heart to doesn’t truly love you back—or worse, is pretending to?

It’s a painful reality many people face: being in a relationship where affection feels conditional, attention is sporadic, and emotional intimacy is missing. You might find yourself constantly questioning his behavior, wondering, “Does he really love me, or is he just going through the motions?” These doubts aren’t just paranoia—they’re often your intuition trying to protect you from heartbreak.

Pretend love can be subtle. It doesn’t always come with dramatic fights or obvious lies. Instead, it hides in the quiet moments: the missed calls, the half-hearted apologies, the way he pulls away when you need him most. Recognizing these signs isn’t about accusing someone unfairly—it’s about honoring your worth and refusing to settle for less than genuine love.

He Says “I Love You”—But His Actions Don’t Match

One of the clearest signs he pretends to love you is a disconnect between his words and his behavior. Love isn’t just something you say—it’s something you *do*. If he’s quick to say “I love you” but slow to show it through actions, that’s a red flag.

The Power of Consistent Actions

Real love is consistent. It shows up in small, everyday ways: remembering your favorite snack, checking in when you’re stressed, or making time for you even when he’s busy. If he only says “I love you” during moments of intimacy or when he wants something from you, it’s likely performative.

For example, imagine he texts “I love you” every night before bed—but never asks how your day was, never offers support when you’re overwhelmed, and cancels plans last minute without explanation. The words become empty when they’re not backed by effort.

Love in the Details

Genuine love is often found in the little things. Does he notice when you’re tired and offer to help? Does he remember important dates, not because you reminded him, but because he cares? These details matter. If he only shows affection during grand gestures—like surprise gifts or romantic weekends—but ignores your daily needs, it may be a sign he’s more interested in the *idea* of love than the reality of being in a relationship.

When Words Become a Tool

Sometimes, “I love you” is used as a tool to manipulate or control. He might say it after an argument to smooth things over, or when he senses you’re pulling away. If those words are always followed by silence or distance, they lose their meaning. True love doesn’t need to be constantly reaffirmed with words—it’s demonstrated through reliability and presence.

He Avoids Emotional Intimacy and Vulnerability

Emotional intimacy is the foundation of a deep, lasting relationship. It’s the ability to share your fears, dreams, and insecurities with someone who listens without judgment. If he consistently avoids these conversations or shuts down when things get personal, he may not be capable of real love.

The Wall of Emotional Unavailability

Emotionally unavailable partners often keep their guard up. They might joke about serious topics, change the subject when you try to talk about feelings, or respond with “I’m fine” when you ask how they’re doing. This isn’t just shyness—it’s a pattern of avoidance.

For instance, you might share a personal story about a difficult childhood experience, hoping to connect on a deeper level. Instead of listening or offering empathy, he laughs it off or says, “That’s in the past, why dwell on it?” This dismissal signals that he’s not interested in emotional closeness.

He Never Shares His True Self

In a healthy relationship, both partners gradually reveal their authentic selves. You learn each other’s quirks, fears, and dreams. But if he keeps everything surface-level—only talking about work, sports, or surface-level interests—it’s hard to build real trust.

Ask yourself: Do I know what he’s truly afraid of? What his biggest dreams are? What makes him feel insecure? If you can’t answer these questions, it’s a sign he’s holding back. Pretend love often involves maintaining a polished image, not revealing the messy, real person underneath.

He Reacts Poorly to Your Vulnerability

Another sign is how he responds when *you* open up. Does he listen with empathy, or does he seem uncomfortable, distracted, or even critical? If you share a fear or insecurity and he responds with “You’re overreacting” or “Just get over it,” he’s not creating a safe space for emotional intimacy.

True love encourages vulnerability. It says, “I’m here for you, even when it’s hard.” Pretend love often retreats when things get real.

He’s Inconsistent—Hot and Cold Behavior

Inconsistency is one of the most confusing and damaging signs of pretend love. One day he’s affectionate, attentive, and loving. The next, he’s distant, cold, or barely responsive. This emotional rollercoaster can leave you constantly guessing where you stand.

The Cycle of Push and Pull

Hot and cold behavior often follows a pattern: he pulls you in with affection, then pushes you away when things get serious. This can feel addictive—like you’re chasing a high that never lasts. You might find yourself trying harder to win his approval, hoping the next time will be different.

For example, he might plan a romantic date one weekend, then ignore your texts for days the following week. Or he’ll be sweet and loving when you’re together, but disappear completely when you’re apart. This inconsistency keeps you off-balance and emotionally invested, even when the relationship isn’t healthy.

He Only Shows Up When It’s Convenient

Another form of inconsistency is conditional presence. He’s there when it’s easy or fun—like going out to dinner or watching movies—but vanishes when you need emotional support, help with a problem, or simply someone to talk to.

Imagine you’re going through a tough time at work. You reach out to him, hoping for comfort, but he responds with a brief “That sucks” and changes the subject. Or worse, he doesn’t respond at all. Then, a few days later, he’s suddenly eager to hang out like nothing happened. This selective availability suggests he’s not truly invested in your well-being.

The Impact on Your Self-Worth

Being on the receiving end of inconsistent behavior can erode your confidence. You might start blaming yourself: “Maybe I’m too needy,” or “I must have done something wrong.” But the truth is, healthy love doesn’t make you feel uncertain or insecure. It should make you feel valued, not like you’re constantly earning his attention.

If you find yourself walking on eggshells, trying to predict his mood, or feeling anxious when he doesn’t reply, it’s a sign the relationship isn’t balanced or loving.

He Avoids Commitment and Future Planning

Commitment isn’t just about labels—it’s about actions and intentions. If he avoids talking about the future, dodges questions about long-term plans, or makes excuses when you bring up the next step, he may not see a future with you.

The Art of Vague Promises

Some partners are experts at saying the right things without making real commitments. He might say, “We’ll see what happens,” or “I’m not ready to label things yet,” but never take steps toward a shared future.

For example, you might ask, “Where do you see us in a year?” and he responds with, “I don’t know, life’s unpredictable.” Or you suggest moving in together, and he says, “That’s a big step—maybe in a few years.” These vague answers are often a way to keep you hopeful without making real promises.

He Avoids Milestones

Milestones like meeting the family, celebrating anniversaries, or discussing financial goals are important markers of commitment. If he consistently avoids these, it’s a red flag.

Maybe you’ve been together for over a year, but he still hasn’t introduced you to his parents or close friends. Or you’ve talked about saving for a trip together, but he never follows through. These omissions suggest he’s keeping you at arm’s length, not building a life with you.

He Focuses on the Present—But Not the Future

It’s normal to enjoy the present moment, but a healthy relationship includes forward-thinking. If he only talks about “now” and never about “later,” it may mean he doesn’t envision a long-term partnership.

Ask yourself: Does he ever talk about future plans that include you? Vacations, careers, family, or even simple things like where you’ll live? If the answer is no, it’s worth having an honest conversation about his intentions.

He Doesn’t Support Your Growth or Goals

Real love encourages growth. A partner who truly loves you will celebrate your achievements, support your dreams, and encourage you to become the best version of yourself. If he does the opposite—criticizes your goals, dismisses your ambitions, or makes you feel small—he may not have your best interests at heart.

The Saboteur in Disguise

Some partners pretend to support you but subtly undermine your confidence. They might say things like, “Are you sure you can handle that?” or “That’s a big risk—maybe play it safe.” While concern can be loving, constant doubt or criticism is not.

For example, you’re excited about a new job opportunity, and instead of cheering you on, he says, “That sounds stressful. Are you sure you want to take that on?” This kind of response can make you second-guess yourself, even when you’re capable and ready.

He Doesn’t Celebrate Your Wins

Do you feel genuinely celebrated when you achieve something? Or does he downplay your success, change the subject, or act indifferent? A loving partner will be your biggest fan—not someone who feels threatened by your growth.

Imagine you get a promotion. You’re thrilled and want to share the news, but he responds with a half-hearted “Cool,” then talks about his own day. This lack of enthusiasm can make you feel like your accomplishments don’t matter to him.

He Discourages Independence

Healthy relationships allow space for individuality. If he gets jealous when you spend time with friends, questions your decisions, or makes you feel guilty for pursuing your passions, it’s a sign of control, not love.

True love says, “I support you, even when it means you’re growing in ways I’m not part of.” Pretend love often says, “Stay close, don’t change, don’t outgrow me.”

Your Intuition Is Telling You Something

Sometimes, the most powerful sign that he pretends to love you is your own gut feeling. You might not be able to pinpoint exactly what’s wrong, but something feels “off.” That inner voice is worth listening to.

The Power of Intuition

Intuition is your subconscious mind picking up on patterns and cues that your conscious mind hasn’t fully processed. If you constantly feel anxious, confused, or drained after spending time with him, it’s not just in your head—it’s a signal.

You might catch yourself thinking, “He says he loves me, but why do I feel so lonely?” or “Why do I have to work so hard to get his attention?” These thoughts are red flags disguised as doubts.

Trusting Your Feelings

It’s easy to dismiss your intuition, especially if you’re emotionally invested. You might tell yourself, “He’s just stressed,” or “He’ll change.” But if the feeling persists, it’s time to pay attention.

Ask yourself: Do I feel more confident and happy in this relationship, or more insecure and uncertain? Do I feel like I can be my true self, or do I feel like I’m performing?

If the answer leans toward the negative, it’s worth exploring why. Your feelings are valid, and they deserve to be honored.

When to Seek Clarity

If your intuition is nagging at you, don’t ignore it. Have an honest conversation with him. Use “I” statements to express your feelings: “I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected lately, and I’d like to talk about where we stand.”

Pay attention to his response. Does he listen with empathy and take responsibility? Or does he get defensive, dismissive, or avoid the conversation? His reaction will tell you a lot about his level of care and commitment.

Conclusion: Choose Real Love Over Pretend Love

Being in a relationship where love feels fake is exhausting. It drains your energy, confuses your emotions, and makes you question your worth. But recognizing the signs he pretends to love you is the first step toward healing and empowerment.

Real love doesn’t require you to beg for attention, guess his feelings, or settle for crumbs of affection. It’s steady, kind, and mutual. It’s built on trust, respect, and genuine care—not performance or convenience.

If you’ve noticed several of these signs—empty words, emotional distance, inconsistency, avoidance of commitment, lack of support, or a persistent gut feeling—it’s time to reevaluate the relationship. You deserve someone who loves you not just in words, but in actions. Someone who shows up, stays present, and builds a future with you.

Don’t settle for pretend love. Your heart is too valuable for that. Choose a love that feels real, because you are worthy of nothing less.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I tell if he’s pretending to love me or just bad at showing affection?

It’s important to distinguish between someone who’s emotionally reserved and someone who’s insincere. If he’s bad at showing affection but makes consistent effort, communicates openly, and supports you in other ways, he may just need guidance. But if his actions consistently contradict his words, avoid emotional connection, and leave you feeling insecure, it’s likely pretend love.

What should I do if I suspect he’s pretending to love me?

Start by trusting your instincts and reflecting on the relationship patterns. Then, have an honest conversation using “I” statements to express your feelings. Observe his response—does he take responsibility, show empathy, and make changes? If not, it may be time to consider whether this relationship is truly fulfilling.

Can someone change from pretending to loving?

Change is possible, but only if the person is self-aware, willing to do the work, and committed to growth. If he acknowledges the issues, seeks therapy, and makes consistent efforts to improve, real change can happen. However, if he denies problems or refuses to take accountability, it’s unlikely he’ll develop genuine love.

Is it normal to feel guilty for doubting his love?

Yes, it’s common to feel guilty when questioning a partner’s love, especially if you care deeply. But your feelings are valid. Doubt often arises from real patterns of behavior, not insecurity. Prioritize your emotional well-being—you don’t owe anyone your peace if they’re not treating you with love and respect.

How do I rebuild trust if he’s been inconsistent?

Rebuilding trust requires time, transparency, and consistent actions. He must demonstrate reliability, communicate openly, and follow through on promises. You also need to set boundaries and observe whether his behavior aligns with his words. If he’s not willing to put in the effort, trust may not be repairable.

Should I stay in the relationship if I love him but feel he’s pretending?

Loving someone doesn’t mean you should stay in a relationship that leaves you feeling unloved or insecure. Ask yourself: Am I staying out of hope, fear, or genuine connection? If the relationship consistently drains you and lacks mutual care, it may be healthier to walk away and make space for real love.