Signs He Is Just Using You for Attention

If you feel emotionally drained, ignored, or only valued when you’re giving him your time, he might be using you for attention. This guide reveals the red flags—like inconsistent communication, lack of vulnerability, and public displays without real connection—that signal you’re not in a real relationship, just a one-sided emotional transaction.

Key Takeaways

• He only reaches out when he wants something: If he texts or calls only when he’s bored, lonely, or needs validation, it’s a sign he’s using you for attention, not building a relationship.
• He avoids deep conversations: A man who refuses to open up or share personal thoughts is likely keeping you at arm’s length to maintain control and emotional distance.
• He loves the spotlight but ignores you in private: If he acts affectionate in public but disappears when you’re alone, he may be more interested in how you make him look than in who you really are.
• He cancels plans last minute: Frequent cancellations, especially without rescheduling, show he doesn’t prioritize your time or feelings.
• He compares you to others or makes you feel insecure: Constant comparisons or backhanded compliments can be a tactic to keep you seeking his approval.
• He doesn’t introduce you to important people: If he keeps you hidden from friends, family, or coworkers, he may not see a future with you.
• You feel more like a fan than a partner: If you’re always giving support but never receiving it, it’s time to reevaluate the balance in your relationship.

Is He Using You for Attention? Here’s How to Know

Let’s be real—relationships can be confusing. One day he’s texting you sweet messages, the next he’s ghosting you for days. You find yourself wondering, Does he actually like me, or am I just someone to keep him entertained? If you’ve ever felt like you’re putting in all the effort, only to be left feeling empty or used, you’re not alone. Many people fall into relationships where they’re giving their time, energy, and emotions—only to realize they’re being used for attention, not love.

Attention-seeking behavior in men isn’t always obvious at first. It can start with charm, flattery, and constant messaging. But over time, patterns emerge that reveal the truth: he’s not invested in you—he’s invested in how you make him feel. Whether it’s boosting his ego, filling a void, or simply avoiding boredom, using someone for attention is emotionally draining and unfair. The good news? You can spot the signs early and protect your heart before you get too deep.

In this guide, we’ll walk you through the most common signs he is just using you for attention. From inconsistent communication to emotional unavailability, we’ll break down the red flags so you can see your situation clearly. You deserve a partner who values you, not just your presence. Let’s dive in.

He Only Reaches Out When He Wants Something

One of the clearest signs he is just using you for attention is when his communication is purely self-serving. Think about it: does he text you only when he’s bored, lonely, or needs a quick ego boost? If your conversations always start with “Hey, what’s up?” but quickly shift to him talking about himself—his problems, his achievements, his need for validation—it’s a red flag.

It’s All About Him

When a man is genuinely interested in you, he’ll ask about your day, your feelings, your goals. He’ll remember small details and follow up on things you’ve shared. But if he only reaches out to vent, complain, or fish for compliments, he’s not building a connection—he’s using you as an emotional crutch.

For example, imagine he texts you at 10 p.m. on a Friday saying, “Ugh, my boss is the worst. I can’t believe I have to work this weekend.” You respond with empathy, maybe even offer advice. But when you share something personal—like a tough day at work or a family issue—he either changes the subject or gives a one-word reply. That’s not reciprocity. That’s emotional labor on your end with nothing in return.

He Disappears When You Need Him

Another telltale sign? He’s quick to respond when he wants attention, but vanishes when you need support. Let’s say you’re going through a breakup, a health scare, or a major life change. You reach out, hoping for comfort—only to get radio silence. Or worse, he replies days later with a half-hearted “Sorry, been busy.”

This pattern shows he’s only available when it’s convenient for him. He doesn’t see you as someone to lean on—he sees you as someone to lean on him. And when the roles reverse? He’s nowhere to be found.

What You Can Do

If you notice this pattern, start paying attention to the balance in your conversations. Are you always the one initiating? Are you the one offering support while receiving little in return? Try setting boundaries. If he only texts when he’s bored, don’t drop everything to respond. Let him sit with his feelings. If he truly values you, he’ll learn to reach out for the right reasons.

He Avoids Deep or Meaningful Conversations

Healthy relationships thrive on emotional intimacy. That means sharing fears, dreams, past experiences, and vulnerabilities. But if he steers clear of deep talks or shuts down when you try to open up, it’s a major warning sign.

Surface-Level Only

Does he keep conversations light and flirty, avoiding anything serious? Maybe he’ll talk about movies, sports, or weekend plans—but the moment you bring up feelings, family, or future goals, he changes the subject or makes a joke. This isn’t just shyness; it’s emotional avoidance.

For instance, you might say, “I’ve been thinking a lot about my career lately. I’m not sure if I’m on the right path.” A caring partner would ask follow-up questions, offer support, or share their own thoughts. But if he replies with “Cool, anyway, did you see that new movie?” he’s not interested in your inner world.

He Doesn’t Share About Himself

Another red flag? He expects you to be open and vulnerable, but he keeps his own life guarded. You know everything about his favorite foods, his workout routine, and his weekend plans—but you have no idea about his childhood, his relationship with his parents, or what he’s afraid of.

This one-sided sharing creates an imbalance. You’re giving him emotional access, but he’s not reciprocating. It’s like you’re dating a stranger who happens to be charming.

Why This Matters

Emotional intimacy is the foundation of trust and connection. Without it, a relationship can’t grow. If he’s unwilling to be vulnerable, he’s not building a real partnership—he’s keeping you at a distance so he can control the narrative.

What You Can Do

Try initiating a deeper conversation. Say something like, “I’ve been thinking about us lately. How do you see our relationship evolving?” If he brushes it off or gives a vague answer, take note. You deserve someone who’s willing to grow with you, not just keep things superficial.

He Loves Public Displays but Ignores You in Private

Here’s a tricky one: he acts like your biggest fan in public—holding your hand, posting photos of you together, telling friends how great you are—but the moment you’re alone, he’s distant, distracted, or uninterested.

The Social Media Show

Social media can be a breeding ground for attention-seeking behavior. He might post pictures of you with captions like “Best date ever!” or “Lucky to have her.” But when you’re together in real life, he’s on his phone, barely making eye contact, or canceling plans last minute.

This duality is a classic sign he’s more concerned with appearances than actual connection. He wants the image of being in a relationship—someone desirable, loved, and admired—but he’s not willing to put in the work to make it real.

He Only Wants You Around for Validation

Think about when he’s most affectionate. Is it when you’re out with friends? At a party? In front of his coworkers? If he only shows affection in social settings, it’s likely because he’s using you to boost his social status or impress others.

For example, he might pull you close and whisper sweet things at a bar, but when you’re at home watching a movie, he’s scrolling through his phone or falling asleep. That’s not love—that’s performance.

What You Can Do

Pay attention to how he acts when no one else is around. Does he still make an effort? Does he listen when you talk? Does he show genuine interest in your life? If the answer is no, it’s time to ask yourself: Am I here for him, or am I here for the show?

He Cancels Plans Last Minute—and Doesn’t Reschedule

We all have busy lives. Sometimes plans change. But if he cancels on you repeatedly—especially without offering to reschedule—it’s a sign he doesn’t prioritize you.

The Last-Minute Excuse

“Sorry, something came up.” “My friend needs me.” “I’m not feeling well.” Sound familiar? If these phrases are part of your regular vocabulary with him, take note. While occasional cancellations are normal, a pattern of last-minute dropouts shows disrespect for your time.

Even worse? He doesn’t make an effort to reschedule. You’re left waiting, wondering if he’ll ever follow through. And when he finally does reach out, it’s not to apologize—it’s to ask you to hang out again, as if nothing happened.

He Doesn’t Value Your Time

When someone values you, they make time for you. They plan ahead. They communicate clearly. But if he treats your time like it’s disposable, he’s not treating you like a priority.

Imagine you’ve been looking forward to a dinner date all week. You dress up, make reservations, and show up on time—only to get a text 30 minutes before saying he can’t make it. No apology. No reschedule. Just silence. That’s not a partner. That’s a user.

What You Can Do

Start setting boundaries. If he cancels, let him know how it makes you feel. Say, “I was really looking forward to seeing you. If something comes up, I’d appreciate a heads-up sooner.” If he continues to disrespect your time, consider whether this relationship is worth your energy.

He Compares You to Others or Makes You Feel Insecure

Healthy relationships build each other up. But if he’s constantly comparing you to exes, friends, or even strangers—or making subtle digs about your appearance, career, or personality—he’s using you to feed his ego.

The Backhanded Compliment

“You’re so much prettier when you smile.” “You’re not like other girls—most of them are so dramatic.” These might sound like compliments, but they’re actually subtle put-downs. They make you feel like you’re only valuable if you meet his standards.

Or maybe he says things like, “My ex would never have done that,” or “I wish you were more like [insert name].” These comparisons are designed to make you feel insecure—and more likely to seek his approval.

He Keeps You Trying to Win Him Over

When someone is using you for attention, they often keep you in a state of uncertainty. They give just enough affection to keep you hooked, but never enough to feel secure. This creates a cycle where you’re constantly trying to prove your worth.

For example, he might flirt with you one day, then ignore you the next. You start overanalyzing your behavior: Did I say something wrong? Was I too clingy? Maybe I should try harder. But the truth is, he’s the one creating the instability—not you.

What You Can Do

Pay attention to how you feel after talking to him. Do you feel uplifted? Or do you feel anxious, insecure, or confused? If it’s the latter, it’s a sign the relationship is unhealthy. You deserve someone who makes you feel confident, not constantly on edge.

He Doesn’t Introduce You to Important People in His Life

When a man is serious about you, he wants you to be part of his world. That means introducing you to his friends, family, and coworkers. But if he keeps you hidden, it’s a major red flag.

You’re His Secret

Does he avoid introducing you to people he cares about? Maybe he says things like, “My friends are weird,” or “My family wouldn’t understand.” Or maybe he just never brings it up at all.

This isn’t just shyness—it’s avoidance. He may not see a future with you, or he may be keeping you separate from his real life because he doesn’t want to be tied down.

He Keeps You at Arm’s Length

Another sign? He’s open about his life with everyone—except you. His friends know about his job, his family, his past relationships. But you’re left in the dark. This creates a power imbalance where he controls what you know and when you know it.

For example, you might find out he has a sibling from a mutual friend—not from him. Or you hear about a big family event after it’s already happened. That’s not transparency. That’s secrecy.

What You Can Do

Ask him directly: “I’d love to meet your friends sometime. When might be a good time?” If he dodges the question or gives a vague answer, take it as a sign. You shouldn’t have to beg to be part of his life.

You Feel More Like a Fan Than a Partner

At the end of the day, the most telling sign he is just using you for attention is how you feel. Do you feel valued? Respected? Loved? Or do you feel like you’re constantly performing, pleasing, and proving yourself?

The Emotional Drain

If you’re always the one giving—emotionally, physically, mentally—and receiving little in return, it’s time to step back. A healthy relationship is a two-way street. You should feel energized after spending time with him, not drained.

You’re Not a Priority

Ask yourself: Does he make time for you? Does he listen when you speak? Does he show up when you need him? If the answer is no, he’s not treating you like a partner—he’s treating you like an audience.

What You Can Do

Take a break. Step back and focus on yourself. Spend time with friends, pursue your hobbies, and reconnect with your own needs. If he truly values you, he’ll notice your absence and make an effort to change. If not? You’ll have your answer.

Conclusion: You Deserve Better

Being used for attention is painful. It makes you question your worth, your judgment, and your ability to love and be loved. But here’s the truth: you are not the problem. The problem is someone who sees you as a tool for their own validation.

You deserve a relationship built on mutual respect, emotional honesty, and genuine care. You deserve someone who doesn’t just want your attention—but who gives you theirs in return. If you’ve recognized these signs in your relationship, it’s not too late to make a change. Trust your instincts. Set boundaries. And most importantly, choose yourself.

Love shouldn’t feel like a performance. It should feel like home.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I tell if he’s using me for attention or just shy?

Shyness usually shows in nervousness or hesitation, but a shy person will still make an effort to connect over time. If he’s consistently inconsistent, avoids deep talks, and only reaches out when he wants something, it’s more likely he’s using you for attention.

Is it normal for him to cancel plans sometimes?

Occasional cancellations happen, but if it’s frequent, last-minute, and without rescheduling, it’s a red flag. Healthy relationships involve mutual respect for each other’s time.

What if he says he’s “just bad at relationships”?

Everyone has flaws, but consistent patterns of emotional unavailability, lack of effort, and disrespect are not just “bad at relationships”—they’re signs of deeper issues. Words matter less than actions.

Should I confront him about these signs?

Yes, but calmly and clearly. Share how his behavior makes you feel and what you need moving forward. If he’s unwilling to change, it’s a sign the relationship isn’t healthy.

Can a man using me for attention ever change?

It’s possible, but only if he’s self-aware, willing to reflect, and committed to growth. Change requires effort—and if he’s not putting in the work, it’s unlikely to happen.

How do I stop feeling used and start trusting again?

Focus on healing yourself first. Therapy, journaling, and supportive friendships can help rebuild your confidence. Trust returns when you set boundaries and choose relationships that honor your worth.