I Want to Get Married but My Boyfriend Doesnt

If you’re ready for marriage but your boyfriend isn’t, you’re not alone—many couples face this emotional crossroads. This article explores honest communication, understanding his perspective, evaluating compatibility, and deciding what’s best for your future—without losing yourself in the process.

You’ve pictured it—your dream wedding, walking down the aisle, exchanging vows, building a life together. You’ve talked about kids, homes, and growing old side by side. But when you bring up marriage, your boyfriend changes the subject, gives vague answers, or flat-out says he’s not ready—or worse, not interested. Sound familiar?

You’re not alone. Countless women (and men) find themselves in this exact situation: deeply in love, committed in many ways, but stuck on one major life milestone—marriage. It’s confusing, painful, and often leaves you questioning everything: Is he serious about us? Does he love me enough? Am I asking for too much?

The truth is, wanting to get married isn’t selfish or old-fashioned. It’s a legitimate desire for security, partnership, and shared purpose. But when your partner doesn’t share that vision, it can feel like you’re speaking different languages. This article will help you navigate that emotional maze with honesty, compassion, and clarity—so you can make the best decision for your heart and your future.

Key Takeaways

• Open communication is essential: Talk calmly and honestly about your desire to get married without pressure or ultimatums.
• Understand his reasons: His hesitation may stem from fear, past experiences, financial concerns, or differing life goals—not lack of love.
• Assess long-term compatibility: Marriage requires shared values and visions; if your timelines clash, it may signal deeper incompatibility.
• Set boundaries and timelines: Give yourself permission to define what you need and when—don’t wait indefinitely for change.
• Prioritize self-worth: Your desire for commitment is valid; don’t settle for less than you truly want out of fear of being alone.
• Seek support: Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist to gain clarity and emotional support during this difficult time.
• Be prepared to walk away: Sometimes love isn’t enough—if your core needs aren’t met, leaving may be the healthiest choice.

Why Do Some People Resist Marriage?

Understanding why your boyfriend doesn’t want to get married is the first step toward resolving the issue. It’s easy to assume he doesn’t love you or isn’t serious, but the reality is often more complex. People resist marriage for a variety of reasons—some emotional, some practical, some deeply personal.

Fear of Commitment

Let’s be honest: marriage is a big deal. It’s a legal, emotional, and financial bond that changes everything. For some men, the idea of “forever” triggers anxiety. They may worry about losing freedom, making the wrong choice, or failing in the relationship. This fear isn’t always about you—it’s about their own insecurities.

For example, Mark, 32, had been with his girlfriend Sarah for five years. She wanted to get married, but he kept saying, “I’m just not ready.” After therapy, Mark realized he associated marriage with his parents’ bitter divorce. He feared repeating their mistakes, even though he loved Sarah deeply. Once he worked through those fears, he proposed.

Past Relationship Trauma

A bad breakup or a failed marriage can leave deep scars. If your boyfriend has been hurt before, he may associate marriage with pain, betrayal, or loss. He might say things like, “Marriage doesn’t guarantee happiness,” or “Why fix what isn’t broken?” These comments often mask unresolved pain.

Jenna’s boyfriend, David, had been married once before. His ex-wife cheated, and the divorce was messy. Even though Jenna was nothing like his ex, David struggled to trust the institution of marriage. It took months of gentle conversations and couples counseling before he began to open up to the idea again.

Financial Concerns

Let’s face it—marriage costs money. Weddings, rings, legal fees, and even the long-term financial responsibilities of shared life can be daunting. Some men feel they need to be “financially ready” before proposing, which can translate to endless delays.

Take Alex, who wanted to marry his girlfriend but felt he needed to pay off student loans and save for a house first. His girlfriend, Lisa, understood but grew frustrated after three years of waiting. They eventually compromised: they had a small courthouse wedding now and planned a bigger celebration later. This allowed Alex to feel financially responsible while honoring Lisa’s desire for commitment.

Differing Life Goals

Sometimes, the issue isn’t fear—it’s a fundamental mismatch in life goals. Maybe your boyfriend values independence, travel, or career growth over settling down. Or perhaps he sees marriage as unnecessary if you’re already committed. These aren’t necessarily red flags, but they do require honest discussion.

For instance, Rachel loved her boyfriend, Tom, but he always said, “We’re together, that’s what matters.” Rachel, however, wanted the legal and emotional security of marriage. After months of talking, they realized they wanted different things. They parted amicably, each pursuing the life they truly desired.

Cultural or Family Influences

Family background plays a huge role in how people view marriage. Some men come from cultures where marriage is expected young, while others come from families where it’s seen as outdated or unnecessary. These influences can shape their views without them even realizing it.

Carlos, for example, grew up in a family where his parents lived together for 30 years but never married. He saw their relationship as strong and stable, so he didn’t understand why his girlfriend, Maya, wanted a wedding. It took education and open dialogue for him to see that marriage meant something different to her—and that her desire wasn’t a rejection of his values.

How to Talk About Marriage Without Pushing Him Away

Bringing up marriage can feel like walking on eggshells. You don’t want to scare him off, but you also don’t want to ignore your own needs. The key is to approach the conversation with empathy, clarity, and patience.

Choose the Right Time and Setting

Don’t bring up marriage during an argument or when he’s stressed about work. Instead, pick a calm, relaxed moment—maybe during a quiet dinner or a weekend walk. Say something like, “I’ve been thinking about our future, and I’d love to talk about where we’re headed.”

Avoid framing it as an ultimatum. Instead of “We need to get married soon,” try “I’ve been imagining our future, and marriage is important to me. I’d love to hear your thoughts.”

Use “I” Statements

Focus on your feelings, not his shortcomings. Say, “I feel ready to take the next step,” instead of “You never want to get married.” This reduces defensiveness and opens the door for honest dialogue.

For example, instead of:
“You’re holding us back by not proposing.”
Try:
“I’ve been feeling ready to deepen our commitment, and I’d love to understand where you are with that.”

Listen Without Judging

When he shares his thoughts, resist the urge to interrupt or argue. Even if his reasons frustrate you, listen with an open heart. Ask questions like, “Can you help me understand why that’s important to you?” or “What would need to change for you to feel ready?”

Remember: understanding doesn’t mean agreeing. But it does mean respecting his perspective—even if it differs from yours.

Share Your Vision

Paint a picture of what marriage means to you. Is it about building a family? Creating legal and financial security? Celebrating your love publicly? Be specific. This helps him see that your desire isn’t arbitrary—it’s tied to your values and dreams.

For instance, you might say:
“For me, marriage isn’t just about a ring or a party. It’s about knowing we’re in this together for life, through good times and bad. It’s about building a home, raising kids, and growing old as a team.”

Give Him Space to Respond

After sharing your thoughts, give him time to process. He might need days or even weeks to think. Pressuring him will only backfire. Instead, say, “I know this is a lot to think about. I’m not asking for an answer today—just that we keep talking about it.”

Signs You’re on the Same Page (or Not)

After talking, how do you know if you’re moving toward alignment or drifting apart? Look for these signs.

Positive Signs

• He’s open to discussing the future, even if he’s hesitant.
• He asks questions about your vision for marriage.
• He acknowledges your feelings and validates your desire.
• He’s willing to explore compromises, like a commitment ceremony or premarital counseling.
• He makes small steps—like talking about rings, venues, or timelines—even if tentatively.

These signs suggest he’s engaged and willing to grow, even if he’s not ready yet.

Concerning Signs

• He shuts down the conversation or gets defensive.
• He gives vague answers like “Someday” or “We’ll see.”
• He avoids the topic entirely or changes the subject.
• He says things like “Marriage is just a piece of paper” or “We’re already committed.”
• He shows no interest in your future goals or dreams.

These behaviors may indicate a deeper disconnect. If he’s unwilling to even discuss marriage, it’s a red flag that your timelines and values may not align.

The “Maybe Someday” Trap

Beware of the “someday” promise. It sounds hopeful, but it can become a way to delay indefinitely. If he says, “I want to marry you someday,” but offers no timeline or plan, ask: What does “someday” look like? What needs to happen first?

For example, if he says, “I’ll propose when I’m more stable,” ask: What does stability mean to you? Is it financial? Emotional? Career-based? Get specific. Otherwise, “someday” can stretch into years—or forever.

When to Set Boundaries and Timelines

You deserve clarity. If you’ve had multiple conversations and still feel stuck, it’s time to set boundaries. This isn’t about giving an ultimatum—it’s about honoring your own needs.

Ask Yourself: What Do I Need?

Be honest with yourself. Do you need a proposal within the next year? Do you want to be engaged before trying for kids? Do you need legal and financial protection? Write down your non-negotiables.

For example:

• I want to be engaged within 12 months.
• I want to be married before having children.
• I need a partner who shares my vision for long-term commitment.

These aren’t demands—they’re your truth.

Communicate Your Timeline

Once you’ve clarified your needs, share them calmly. Say something like:
“I love you, and I see a future with you. But I also need to be honest about what I need. I’d like us to be engaged within the next year. I’m not asking for a proposal tomorrow—just a clear path forward.”

This gives him a realistic timeframe and shows you’re serious.

Be Prepared for His Response

He might agree, push back, or ask for more time. If he agrees, great—start planning next steps. If he asks for more time, ask: How much? What will change in that time? Set a check-in date to revisit the conversation.

If he refuses or continues to delay, you’ll need to decide: Can I wait? Or is it time to move on?

When Love Isn’t Enough: Making the Hard Choice

This is the hardest part: realizing that love alone doesn’t guarantee compatibility. You can love someone deeply and still want different things. And that’s okay.

Ask the Tough Questions

• Can I build the life I want with this person?
• Am I compromising my core values to stay in this relationship?
• Will I regret staying if nothing changes?
• Am I holding on out of love—or fear of being alone?

Be honest. If the answers point to a mismatch, it may be time to let go.

The Cost of Staying

Staying in a relationship where your needs aren’t met can lead to resentment, loneliness, and lost time. You might miss out on the chance to find someone who shares your vision.

Consider this: If you’re 30 now and he says “maybe in five years,” will you be happy waiting? What if it’s another five? At some point, you have to ask: Is this worth my future?

The Freedom of Letting Go

Leaving doesn’t mean you failed. It means you chose yourself. It means you refused to settle for half a life. And that takes courage.

Many women who’ve walked away from relationships like this later found partners who not only wanted marriage—but were excited about it. They realized they deserved a love that matched their dreams, not just their patience.

Finding Support and Moving Forward

This journey is emotional. You don’t have to go through it alone.

Talk to Trusted Friends and Family

Share your feelings with people who know and love you. They can offer perspective, comfort, and encouragement. Sometimes, just saying your fears out loud helps clarify your thoughts.

Consider Therapy

A therapist can help you process your emotions, clarify your goals, and navigate the decision-making process. Couples counseling can also be valuable—if both of you are willing to participate.

Focus on Self-Care

This is a stressful time. Prioritize your well-being. Exercise, eat well, get enough sleep, and do things that bring you joy. You can’t make clear decisions when you’re emotionally drained.

Give Yourself Time

Whether you stay or go, healing takes time. Don’t rush into a new relationship or make impulsive decisions. Allow yourself to grieve, reflect, and grow.

Conclusion

Wanting to get married but your boyfriend doesn’t is one of the most painful relationship challenges you can face. It forces you to confront deep questions about love, commitment, and self-worth. But it also offers an opportunity—to grow, to clarify your values, and to choose a future that truly fulfills you.

Remember: your desire for marriage is valid. So is your right to a partner who shares your vision. Love is important, but it’s not the only factor in a lasting relationship. Compatibility, communication, and shared goals matter just as much.

If your boyfriend is willing to grow and meet you halfway, there’s hope. But if he continues to resist—even after honest conversations and clear boundaries—it may be time to consider whether this relationship can truly give you what you need.

You deserve a love that doesn’t ask you to shrink your dreams. You deserve a partner who doesn’t just love you—but loves the life you want to build together. And if that’s not him? That’s okay. Your future is still bright, and your story is still being written.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it selfish to want marriage if my boyfriend doesn’t?

No, it’s not selfish. Wanting marriage is a legitimate desire for commitment, security, and partnership. Your feelings are valid, and you have every right to seek a relationship that aligns with your values and goals.

How long should I wait for him to change his mind?

There’s no set timeline, but waiting indefinitely isn’t healthy. Set a reasonable timeframe based on your needs—like 6–12 months—and revisit the conversation. If there’s no progress, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.

Can couples counseling help if he doesn’t want to get married?

Yes, if he’s open to it. Counseling can help you both understand each other’s perspectives, explore underlying fears, and find common ground. But both partners need to be willing to participate for it to work.

What if he says he loves me but just doesn’t believe in marriage?

Love is important, but beliefs shape actions. If he truly doesn’t believe in marriage, he may never change—even if he loves you. You’ll need to decide if you can build the life you want without that commitment.

Should I give him an ultimatum?

Ultimatums can backfire and create resentment. Instead, set clear boundaries and timelines. Say, “I need us to be engaged within a year,” rather than “Marry me or I’m leaving.” This keeps the focus on your needs, not threats.

How do I know if I’m staying out of love or fear?

Ask yourself: Would I stay if I weren’t afraid of being alone? Am I excited about our future, or just afraid of the alternative? Honest self-reflection can help you distinguish love from fear.