How to Know You Are Dating a Pathological Liar

Dating a pathological liar can leave you confused, hurt, and questioning reality. This guide reveals the red flags, psychological patterns, and practical steps to help you identify and respond to chronic dishonesty in a relationship.

Key Takeaways

• Pathological lying is a pattern, not a one-time mistake: It’s compulsive, often without clear motive, and goes beyond normal exaggeration.
• They create elaborate, inconsistent stories: Their tales often change over time or contradict known facts.
• They react defensively when questioned: Instead of clarifying, they may blame you or gaslight you into doubting your memory.
• They lack empathy and accountability: They rarely take responsibility for their lies or show genuine remorse.
• They manipulate emotions to control the narrative: They may use guilt, charm, or victimhood to deflect suspicion.
• Trust your gut—if something feels off, it probably is: Emotional intuition is a powerful early warning system.
• Seek support and consider professional guidance: Talking to a therapist or trusted friend can help you gain clarity and protect your well-being.

How to Know You Are Dating a Pathological Liar

You’re in a new relationship, and everything seems perfect—on the surface. Your partner is charming, funny, and seems deeply invested in you. But lately, small things don’t add up. A story they told last week contradicts what they said yesterday. You catch them in a lie about something minor, like where they were last night, and they brush it off with a smile. At first, you think, “Maybe I’m overreacting.” But then it happens again. And again.

This sinking feeling—the one where you start questioning your own memory, judgment, or sanity—might be a sign you’re dating a pathological liar. Unlike someone who tells the occasional white lie to avoid hurting feelings, a pathological liar lies compulsively, often without any clear benefit. Their dishonesty isn’t just about hiding infidelity or covering up mistakes; it’s woven into the fabric of how they interact with the world. And if you’re not careful, it can erode your trust, self-esteem, and emotional well-being.

In this guide, we’ll walk you through the signs, behaviors, and psychological patterns that define pathological lying in romantic relationships. You’ll learn how to recognize the red flags, understand why it happens, and—most importantly—what you can do to protect yourself. Because love shouldn’t come with a side of confusion and doubt.

What Is a Pathological Liar?

Before we dive into the warning signs, let’s clarify what we mean by “pathological liar.” The term isn’t a clinical diagnosis, but it’s commonly used to describe someone who lies habitually, often without a clear reason. Unlike situational lying—like covering up a mistake at work or hiding a surprise party—pathological lying is compulsive and persistent.

The Psychology Behind Chronic Dishonesty

Pathological lying can stem from a variety of psychological factors. In some cases, it’s linked to personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), or borderline personality disorder (BPD). These conditions often involve a distorted sense of self, a need for admiration, or difficulty regulating emotions—traits that can fuel dishonest behavior.

For example, someone with narcissistic tendencies might lie to appear more successful, intelligent, or admired. They may exaggerate their achievements, fabricate stories about their past, or claim connections to famous people—all to maintain an inflated self-image. Similarly, someone with antisocial traits might lie to manipulate others for personal gain, without feeling guilt or remorse.

But not all pathological liars have a diagnosable disorder. Some develop the habit as a coping mechanism—perhaps they lied as a child to avoid punishment or gain approval, and the behavior became ingrained. Over time, lying becomes their default way of navigating social situations, even when honesty would be easier.

How It Differs from Occasional Lying

The key difference between a pathological liar and someone who tells the occasional lie is frequency, intent, and impact. A normal person might lie to spare someone’s feelings (“No, your cooking isn’t terrible!”) or avoid an awkward situation (“I’m busy that night” when you just don’t want to go). These lies are usually situational, minor, and followed by guilt or correction.

In contrast, a pathological liar lies even when there’s no obvious benefit. They might claim they went to an Ivy League school when they didn’t, say they’ve met celebrities they’ve never seen, or insist they were at a family dinner when they were actually alone. The lies are often elaborate, unnecessary, and repeated over time—even when confronted with evidence.

And here’s the kicker: they rarely feel bad about it. While most people feel a pang of guilt after lying, pathological liars often show little to no remorse. They may even believe their own stories, blurring the line between truth and fiction.

Red Flags: 7 Signs You’re Dating a Pathological Liar

Now that we understand what pathological lying looks like, let’s talk about the signs you might notice in your relationship. These red flags don’t always mean your partner is a pathological liar—but if several are present, it’s worth paying attention.

1. Their Stories Don’t Add Up

One of the most common signs is inconsistency. You might hear a story one day, only to hear a different version the next. For example, they say they grew up in Chicago, but later mention a childhood memory that only makes sense if they lived in Miami. Or they claim they worked at a prestigious company, but can’t name any colleagues or projects.

These contradictions aren’t just memory lapses—they’re patterns. Over time, you start to notice that their personal history changes depending on who they’re talking to or what mood they’re in. They might say they have a sibling one week and an only child the next. Or they claim to have traveled to 20 countries, but can’t describe a single trip in detail.

Tip: Keep a mental (or written) note of major claims they make. If they keep changing their story, it’s a red flag.

2. They Lie About Small, Unimportant Things

You’d expect someone to lie about big things—like cheating or stealing. But pathological liars often lie about trivial matters for no reason. They might say they cleaned the apartment when they didn’t, claim they called you when their phone logs show otherwise, or insist they ate a salad for lunch when you saw them order a burger.

These lies serve no clear purpose. There’s no benefit to lying about what you ate or whether you vacuumed. Yet they do it anyway—often without hesitation. It’s as if the act of lying itself is more important than the content.

Example: You ask, “Did you water the plants like you said you would?” They reply, “Of course!” But the soil is dry and the watering can is full. When you point it out, they shrug and say, “Oh, I must’ve forgotten. I thought I did it.” But their tone suggests they never intended to do it in the first place.

3. They React Defensively When Questioned

When you gently bring up a contradiction, their response is telling. Instead of clarifying or apologizing, they get defensive. They might accuse you of being paranoid, overreacting, or not trusting them. “Why would you even ask that?” or “You always doubt me!” are common deflections.

This is a classic sign of gaslighting—a manipulation tactic where the liar makes you question your own perception of reality. By shifting the blame onto you, they avoid accountability and keep the focus off their dishonesty.

Tip: Pay attention to how they respond to questions. Healthy partners are open to discussion. Pathological liars shut it down.

4. They Have a History of Broken Promises

Do they constantly make plans they never follow through on? Say they’ll help you move, then “forget”? Promise to call, but never do? These broken promises aren’t just flakiness—they’re part of a pattern of unreliability.

Pathological liars often make grand promises to win approval or avoid conflict, but they don’t intend to keep them. They might say, “I’ll quit smoking for you,” or “I’ll introduce you to my parents next month,” but the deadline passes without action. When you ask, they have a new excuse: “My mom got sick,” or “Work has been crazy.”

The problem isn’t just the broken promise—it’s the lack of accountability. They don’t apologize sincerely or make amends. Instead, they expect you to move on without addressing the issue.

5. They Use Charm and Manipulation to Cover Lies

Pathological liars are often very charming. They know how to turn on the charisma when they’re caught in a lie. They might give you a hug, make you laugh, or shower you with compliments to distract you from the issue at hand.

This emotional manipulation is a defense mechanism. By making you feel good, they hope you’ll drop the subject and stop asking questions. They might say, “You’re so smart for noticing that, but you’re overthinking it,” or “I love how much you care, but you don’t need to worry.”

Over time, this can wear you down. You start to doubt your concerns, thinking, “Maybe I am being too sensitive.” But remember: charm shouldn’t be used to cover up dishonesty.

6. They Lack Empathy and Remorse

One of the most painful aspects of dating a pathological liar is their emotional detachment. When you express hurt or confusion about their lies, they don’t respond with empathy. Instead, they might minimize your feelings (“It’s not a big deal”), blame you (“You made me lie”), or act indifferent.

They rarely take responsibility for their actions. Even when confronted with undeniable proof, they might say, “I don’t remember saying that,” or “You’re twisting my words.” This lack of accountability makes it hard to have honest conversations or rebuild trust.

Example: You find out they lied about where they were last weekend. When you ask why, they say, “I didn’t want to upset you,” but show no real remorse. They don’t apologize sincerely or offer to make it right. Instead, they act like you’re the one being unreasonable for caring.

7. They Isolate You from Friends and Family

Pathological liars often try to control their partner’s social circle. They might criticize your friends (“They’re bad influences”), discourage family visits (“Your mom doesn’t like me”), or create drama to keep you dependent on them.

This isolation makes it harder for you to get outside perspectives. Without input from trusted loved ones, you’re more likely to believe your partner’s version of events—even when it doesn’t make sense.

Tip: If your partner consistently pushes you away from your support system, it’s a major red flag.

Why Do People Become Pathological Liars?

Understanding the “why” behind pathological lying can help you respond with clarity—not just anger or confusion. While every person is different, there are common underlying causes.

Childhood Trauma and Insecurity

Many pathological liars grew up in environments where honesty wasn’t safe. They might have been punished for telling the truth, neglected, or raised by caregivers who modeled dishonest behavior. As a result, lying became a survival tool—a way to avoid conflict, gain approval, or protect themselves.

For example, a child who is constantly criticized might start lying about their grades to avoid disappointment. Over time, the habit becomes automatic, even in situations where honesty would be easier.

Need for Control and Validation

Some people lie to feel powerful or admired. By crafting a more exciting or impressive version of themselves, they gain attention, admiration, or control over others. This is especially common in people with narcissistic traits.

They might lie about their job, income, or social status to appear more successful. Or they might fabricate stories of hardship to gain sympathy. The goal isn’t always to deceive—it’s to feel valued.

Mental Health Conditions

As mentioned earlier, pathological lying can be linked to personality disorders, mood disorders, or neurological conditions. For example, people with bipolar disorder may lie during manic episodes when their judgment is impaired. Those with dementia or brain injuries might confabulate—filling in memory gaps with false information without realizing it.

It’s important to note that not all pathological liars have a mental illness—and having a mental illness doesn’t excuse harmful behavior. But understanding the root cause can help you respond with compassion—while still protecting your boundaries.

How to Respond When You Suspect Your Partner Is a Pathological Liar

Discovering you’re dating a pathological liar is unsettling. But you’re not powerless. Here’s how to respond in a way that protects your emotional health and helps you make informed decisions.

Trust Your Instincts

Your gut feeling is one of your most powerful tools. If something feels off—even if you can’t pinpoint why—don’t ignore it. Our subconscious picks up on subtle cues: tone of voice, body language, inconsistencies in stories. These signals matter.

Ask yourself: “Do I feel safe and respected in this relationship?” If the answer is no, it’s time to take a closer look.

Document the Lies (Discreetly)

Keep a private record of major contradictions or broken promises. Note the date, what was said, and any evidence (like text messages or photos). This isn’t about building a case—it’s about clarity.

When emotions run high, it’s easy to second-guess yourself. Having a written record can help you see patterns and stay grounded.

Have a Calm, Direct Conversation

Choose a quiet, private moment to talk. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without accusing. For example: “I’ve noticed some things that don’t add up, and it’s making me feel confused and hurt. I want to understand what’s going on.”

Avoid yelling or demanding answers. The goal isn’t to win an argument—it’s to open a dialogue. If they respond with defensiveness or gaslighting, that’s telling in itself.

Set Clear Boundaries

Let your partner know what you will and won’t tolerate. For example: “I need honesty in this relationship. If you lie to me again, I’ll need to take a step back.”

Boundaries aren’t punishments—they’re protections. They help you maintain your self-respect and emotional safety.

Seek Support

Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. An outside perspective can help you see things more clearly and avoid isolation.

A therapist can also help you process your emotions, rebuild self-trust, and decide whether to stay or leave.

Consider the Bigger Picture

Ask yourself: “Can this relationship work long-term?” Trust is the foundation of any healthy partnership. If it’s consistently broken, it may be time to walk away.

Leaving a relationship is never easy—especially if you still care about the person. But staying in a relationship with a pathological liar can take a toll on your mental health, self-esteem, and future relationships.

Can a Pathological Liar Change?

This is one of the hardest questions—and there’s no simple answer. Some people can change, especially with professional help. Therapy, particularly cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), can help individuals understand their lying patterns, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and build empathy.

But change requires self-awareness, motivation, and accountability—qualities that many pathological liars lack. Without genuine insight into their behavior, they’re unlikely to seek help or stick with treatment.

Even if they do change, rebuilding trust takes time. It’s not enough to say “I’m sorry.” They need to demonstrate consistent honesty, transparency, and remorse over months—or even years.

Ultimately, the decision to stay or go is yours. But don’t stay out of guilt, fear, or hope that they’ll change. Stay only if you believe they’re truly committed to growth—and if you’re willing to do the hard work of rebuilding trust.

Protecting Yourself Moving Forward

Whether you decide to leave or stay, protecting your emotional well-being is essential. Here are a few final tips:

• Practice self-care: Do things that make you feel grounded and happy—exercise, journal, spend time with loved ones.
• Rebuild your self-trust: Remind yourself that you’re not crazy. Your feelings and observations are valid.
• Be cautious in future relationships: Pay attention to patterns, not just charm. Ask questions early on.
• Know your worth: You deserve honesty, respect, and emotional safety. Don’t settle for less.

Remember: dating a pathological liar doesn’t mean you’re flawed or unlovable. It means you encountered someone with deep-seated issues. What matters now is how you respond—and how you choose to move forward.

You have the power to create a relationship built on trust, not deception. And that starts with recognizing the truth—even when it’s hard to face.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can a pathological liar ever be honest?

Yes, but it’s rare and requires significant self-awareness, therapy, and effort. Most pathological liars struggle to break the habit without professional help and genuine motivation to change.

Is pathological lying a sign of cheating?

Not always, but it can be. Chronic dishonesty often extends to infidelity, as the liar may hide affairs or manipulate their partner to avoid detection. However, not all pathological liars cheat—some lie about unrelated things.

How do I confront my partner without starting a fight?

Use calm, non-accusatory language. Focus on how their behavior makes you feel, not on calling them a liar. Say, “I feel confused when stories don’t match,” instead of “You’re lying to me.”

Should I give them a second chance?

It depends on their response. If they take responsibility, show remorse, and commit to change, a second chance may be possible. But if they deflect or gaslight you, it’s a sign to walk away.

Can therapy help a pathological liar?

Therapy can help, especially if the lying stems from trauma, insecurity, or a personality disorder. However, the person must be willing to participate and be honest about their behavior.

How do I rebuild trust after discovering lies?

Rebuilding trust takes time, consistency, and transparency. Your partner must demonstrate honesty over weeks or months, admit mistakes, and avoid defensiveness. You also need to process your emotions and set clear boundaries.